


Goat Season

by Ononymous



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Homage, Monster Hunters, More Like Ripoff, Not Serious, Parody, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Tribute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 10:16:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12862425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: The King of Monsters is under threat. A small group of anti-monster extremists are determined to kill him, and strike a blow against these freaks running around.Of course you realise, this means war.





	Goat Season

The shadows in the room were harsh and overbearing. The men at the table looked sinister, their minds set. The rather squat looking leader stood up.

"Gentlemen, you know why we're all here." Murmurs of agreement. "My information's come through, and the target is going to be in the woods tomorrow. If all goes to plan, we can take care of him, and nobody will ever know we did it."

The murmurs became urgent.

"Too right, Elway! Damn monsters think they can come up here and pretend to be nice. They won't be laughing when we mount their King's head!"

"Sam, we've talked about this, they turn to dust when they die. Nothing to mount. But you're right otherwise. Thinking he's the bees knees just because he can grow some nice flowers. Phooey! Let's see how he likes some lead growing in his head!"

"You tell 'em, Sly!"

"Willy, you got everything?"

"Should do, El. Map of the woods, camouflage gear, extra ammunition. I tipped off the rangers, so if they find the bullets they'll just report it as unlicensed hunting. The fine for that is nothing."

"Good job Willy. Everyone got their alibis worked out?" They nodded. "Good. Go home and get some sleep. Tomorrow we'll show those monsters who's in charge around here!"

* * *

It was a beautiful day outside, late in the spring. The four men were currently together on the outskirts of the forest. They had a lookout near the monsters' homes, and were just waiting for confirmation their target had indeed left.

"Everyone got their backup weapon?"

"Sure thing, Willy. I've got a staff here."

"I've got this machete."

"Here's my axe."

"I've got a rock."

The four of them looked at Sam.

"...it's a _big_ rock."

Elway's phone beeped.

"Okay, he should be in the forest right now. Split up and look for him. And be very very quiet."

His low rumbly chuckle announced the hunt was on, and they marched quietly into the forest.

**ELWAY HUD**  
_(Homo Insecuritas Compensatus)_

Elway lost sight of his comrades pretty quickly. Despite the density of the forest, the sun offered plenty of light. The flowers brightened up the otherwise muddy brown ground. His intelligence said the King had a thing for flowers, it was why he was there. But he couldn't expect to just get the drop on him. And he had to make sure he kept to his story.

"Howdy," a sound of sipping from a cup could be heard, "what is happening, sir?"

**ASGORE DREEMURR**  
_(Capra Floralis Fuzzypushovera)_

"Oh, I'm hunting monsters!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. We're sick of them. A dead King oughta put 'em in their place."

"Hmm, I suppose that would upset them greatly. Tea?"

"Oh, thanks!"

He took the cup from the large furry hand holding it. It was delicious.

"Say, you haven't seen any monsters have you?"

"Hmm, can't say that I have, sorry. But I have heard that if you head that way," he pointed, "and then turn left at the big tree with G+T carved into it, there might be one there."

"Thanks, pal!"

"It was my pleasure!"

Elway followed the directions excitedly, determined to inflict his insecurities on something. Sure enough he found the carving, though it was more scorched than carved, and turned left and charged into a pile of bushes. A pile of bushes that concealed a large cliff face. A cliff face he haphazardly became acquainted with.

"Oof! Whut thu-"

It took a while as he extricated himself from the rocks. Rubbing his bulbous nose, he reconstructed the chain of events in reverse and pondered the instructions he'd received. He'd definitely turned left. He'd found the G+T tree. He'd listened carefully to the eight foot tall gentleman with horns and-

Aw, fiddlesticks. "That was the monster!"

* * *

Willy's approach was a little more high tech. He'd done some reading about how monsters were constituted, and had sent away for a variety of instruments from the Lackme™ Company. This Thaumatrometer could pick up beings mostly constituted of magic, and it was definitely working. Something was nearby.

Heart pounding with excitement, Willy took out his machete. If this thing was worth what he'd paid, he should be right... behind... here!

Leaping around the tree he hacked wildly. It took a moment for the dull clunks to reach his brain. He looked down at what he was attacking. A rock. He frowned in disgust. Who was he, Sam? This thing was worthless. He threw it to the ground and smashed it with his foot. Dammit, he'd have to come up with another plan, so he stomped off to formulate it.

"How rude," said the rock.

It was about this time he received a brief dramatic text about how the King had just about managed to give Elway the slip, but Elway was confident of catching him. As much as the four of them were allies in this mission, there was also rivalry as to who would be the one to kill the freak. Willy sat on another rock, pondering all the intelligence Elway had procured. And then it came to him: The pie. This monster really liked pie for some reason. So maybe if he... yeah, that might work. He got up again and went hunting for a suitable location.

"You could have asked," said the other rock.

Half an hour later, Willy sat behind some bushes at the edge of a clearing. Two large slices of pie rested on a plate. He glanced down at the bottle in his hand. Lackme™ Paralysis Elixir. One drop guaranteed to freeze anyone for at least twenty minutes. Plenty of time to do the deed. But he had to be quiet.

Sure enough, rustling could be heard before long. Asgore was humming a gentle "dum dee dum" tune, and collecting some flowers. He froze as an unexpected scent gripped his nostrils. He seemed to glide weightlessly, a look of delight on his face, as he sat before the plate and began to eat the pie. Gotcha. He took his time with it, pouring out some tea from a thermos while he was at it.

"Mmm-mm! That was most delicious, just like Tori used to make! I'd better leave this slice alone, in case somebody else wants it."

He got to his large paws and walked away. Willy waited to hear the loud thump as he suddenly toppled over. But it never came. After ten minutes, he finally emerged from his hiding spot and looked around. No sign of him at all. Why? He glanced down at the treacherous bottle in his hand.

"Lousy garbage, I knew I should have bought the MTT™ brand!"

The annoyance made him hungry. Well, the pie was still there. And if this crap didn't work... Well his mother told him never to waste food. So he scarfed it down rather quickly, trying to think of another plan to catch and kill the monster.

He was about to get ready to move to another position, maybe regroup with the others, when he glanced at the bottle again. And now he noticed the fine print.

**_WARNING: NOT EFFECTIVE ON GOATS, MONSTERS, OR MONSTERS THAT LOOK LIKE GOATS_ **

"Oh-"

What was "oh" the forest never discovered, for Willy toppled over, stiff as a board.

* * *

Not long after Willy's misfortune, Sly had actually found the king's tracks. He wanted to say goat tracks, but those paws weren't like any goat he'd ever seen. So he followed them excitedly, pulling out his axe. It was a hard balance to strike, practically on tiptoes but moving quickly, but Sly managed it. And his diligence paid off as glint of white, gold and flowery pink revealed itself in the distance.

"Suffered Saskatchewan, I'm gonna get him," he whispered. But he didn't strike yet. He'd rather not use the gun if he didn't have to, it would be easier to cover up later if no bullets were recovered. So he waited for the right moment to hit the back of his head with the axe. Not quite as satisfying as having him at his mercy, but Sly suspected, quite inaccurately, that there would be no mercy from his quarry.

They eventually came across one of the few roads in the forest. The King crossed quite unconcerned, and then knelt down to sniff deeply at more flowers. Sly looked carefully around. There was no sound or sight of anything. So raising his axe he began to charge and-

With a deafening honk, a truck came out of nowhere. He leapt back, but too late. A sickening pain started in his foot. His quarry heard the cursing.

"My goodness, are you hurt?"

"What does it look like you dumb-"

Two furry hands rested gingerly on the foot. Something flowed into it, and the pain lessened.

"Hey, thanks!"

"No problem. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well," Sly pointed his gun at him, "would you be so kind as to come with me so my friends can murder you?"

"Hmm. As they say in Hotland..." a large fang-filled muzzle snorted hot breath in Sly's face, " _'Are you kiddin'?'_ "

Asgore seized his gun, and bent it into a knot before returning it. Out of spite Sam tried to fire it anyway, but it just shot off his belt buckle. With a sickeningly pleasant smile, he happily bound away as Sly tried to keep his pants up.

"Razzah-fazzah rum ronster ring," he muttered after mail ordering a Lackme™ Belt Buckle. At least their delivery was good. Frustration at the trail going cold boiled in him. But it wouldn't last, as a deep voice was singing cheerily.

_"Oh, I'm a big fuzzy goat freed from Underground's cage! Asgore's my name and I forgot my age..."_

There he was, swinging back and forth on a conveniently sized swing hanging from a tree branch. But he was down to his axe, and though their truck had spare guns, that meant giving up the trail again. He had to think carefully. Ah, that might work. He took off his backpack and pulled out a roll of purple cloth.

Asgore was enjoying the day. So many new flowers that would look nice in the garden, free pie, and the humans he'd met seemed nice. This swing was the top of it. Now maybe he should-

"Excuse me, young man?"

An old and unusually squat boss monster with a curiously rigid face and hairless hands approached him.

"Can I help you, ma'am?"

"Yes, please! I'm teaching a troupe of girl scouts soon, and I need to practice my knots. May I use you to practice?"

"Of course!"

Her face didn't change much, but she seemed delighted, she got two lengths of rope out. "Hands together, please." She started tying them together.

"That reef knot isn't right, you forgot to loop back round again."

"Oh, of course! Silly me."

"And if you're tying my paws like that, a shepherd's knot would be less likely to allow me to wriggle free."

"Good catch!" She worked quietly until all his limbs were indeed bound tight.

"Now you stay there, young man, I need to call the girls to let them know I'm on my way."

Turning around, Sly started quickly texting he'd got him and to get round here quickly. But before he could send, a snapping noise broke his concentration. Both sets of bindings had broken through sheer strength.

"Oh dear," said Asgore sadly, "it seems those ropes weren't strong enough. Would you like to try again?"

"Um... yes, dear! Thank you!"

It was a good thing he had extra rope. He started tying him up again.

"You've forgotten step two, twist the rope around your own wrist so you get the idea..."

"Okay..."

"...then you do a shoelace double knot, here, I'll do that for you..."

"Thank you, young man."

"Now, the shepherd's knot. It shall be firmer if we apply it like this..."

"I see..."

"And now see how the rope is around your ankles before I actually start trying? Deprives you of wiggle room."

"Clever!"

"Finally, I'll use this spare bit to secure you extra tightly. Now you can't get away!"

"Amazing! Thank you so much, young man!"

"The pleasure was mine, ma'am. Have fun with your troupe!"

Asgore walked off cheerfully. Sly felt a moment's satisfaction at learning so much about knot tying. And then he realised what that meant.

* * *

Sam was not being subtle.

"Come out here, you darn goat!"

Asgore did not oblige. In frustration Sam fired his gun into the air a few times. Well it helped alleviate the stress at least. And if he ran out of ammo, there was always the rock. And maybe that would teach him not to have nicer violets than him! Sam was the flower grower out here! He didn't need upstaged by glorified livestock.

"If you don't come out by the count of three, Imma... Imma..." damn, what could he do? "Imma shoot this here rock!"

Well that sounded even dumber out loud than in his head, but he wasn't about to back down.

"And a one... and a two... and a-"

"Alright!"

With heavy thuds, Asgore ran between him and the rock.

"Just don't hurt Second, he's a good friend of mine!"

"I appreciate that, Asgore," said an entirely different rock, "but I'm over here."

"Ah. Well, my mistake. Be seeing you, mister hunter-"

"Oh no you don't." The gun poked his muzzle rather rudely. "Gonna see what a goat looks like with his head mounted on my wall."

"Um, I don't believe I'll leave a head behind to mount."

"Really? Damn it, I forgot."

"Also, do you plan to shoot me with that gun?"

"Hell yeah I do! Got a problem with that, you freak?"

"Several problems, actually, but the most pressing one is that gun is not a Goat Gun."

"Not a... do those even exist?"

"Golly, of course they do! When you go goat hunting, there's nothing better."

"And this ain't one?"

"I'm afraid so. What you have there is a Fish Gun."

"And you're not shooting _me_ with that piece of crap! **NGAH!!!** "

A blue spear soared through the air, catching Sam by the shirt and pinning him to a tree. He made out blue scales and yellow teeth and an eye patch before his dropped gun was bashing him around the head repeatedly.

* * *

Wincing at the side effects the Elixir promised he'd be inflicting on his bathroom later, Willy was stiffly rethinking his approach. The trap had worked, for a certain definition of worked. Perhaps if he had something he knew for a fact would work on goats and/or monsters as the capturing mechanism. The recon he'd picked up from the others, including a terribly spelt warning from Sam, suggested their foe was pretty crafty. He'd have to be even craftier.

Which is why he had more pie under a box propped up by a stick, with a string tied to the stick.

Patiently he waited. Then impatiently he waited. Then he started playing a game on his phone and made sure to just keep checking, so it wasn't so bad. But at last, those now familiar footsteps echoed among the trees, and Asgore stepped into the hearing. He hesitated at first, and Willy was worried he'd seen through the trap, but he heard a soft muttering about "spoiling my dinner". However for the second time, the pie won out, and he sat down to enjoy it. He was just getting out another thermos when the stick was yanked away, and with a triumphant thump, it fell on the King.

No time to celebrate just yet, not until the need was done. He couldn't allow this monster time to think, for that was time to win. He thought of just shooting the box indiscriminately, but if it failed to do the job, he might escape. So he extracted his secret weapon. A Lackme™ Disintegration Pistol. " _One shot and the problem is gone!_ " Cautiously he stepped up to the box, and lifted it up.

"Ah ha!" he cried, and squeezed the trigger. True to its description, the pistol disintegrated. "Ah... ho."

Asgore looked at him for a while, sympathy in his face.

"You, uh, you wouldn't mind sitting there while I get my normal gun?"

"Not at all."

Feeling better, Willy dropped the box back down, and headed back to his hiding spot.

"Actually," came a muffled voice, "I just remembered that I have babysitting tonight, so I need to wrap up in this forest."

"Not my prob-"

There was a roar and a bang. The box fell apart, its walls burning into ashes. Asgore ran, not to the safety of the nearby cluster of trees, but towards Willy, who stepped back in fear. But instead there was only a soft pat of his head.

"Terrible luck, sir. Would you like a cup of tea?"

Willy shrugged. Might as well get something out of the day. And maybe it would settle his stomach.

* * *

His phone announced another text, so he checked it quickly. Stopped for a tea break? Elway couldn't believe him. Not that he was taking a break, but why hadn't he shared? Willy always made the best tea! Maybe they'd have killed the King already if they had something tangy and refreshing to drink to keep their minds focused on this! It made his bottle of water seem depressingly plain in comparison.

His low spirits didn't last long, as he soon found the tracks again. Remaining very very quiet, he continued on the hunt. However many flowers the goat had been collecting, the fragrance was getting stronger. Past another tree with G+T scorched into it, and- Ah ha! The King's basket lay beside him as he lay on the ground. An indistinct white blob was lying alongside him, but that didn't matter. Before he could do anything, those wicked horns rose into the air.

"Well that was very relaxing, Blooky, but I need to- oh, howdy!"

Now. Do it now before something else gets in the way.

"I got you now you stinkin' freak!"

His shotgun booped his nose roughly, and those floppy ears twitched in unmistakable fear, accompanied by a loud gulp. Yes!

_Click._

_Click click._

"Um," said the blob, "is there a problem, sir?"

"Confounded- Haven't even shot it yet. How could there be no more bullets?!"

"No more bullets?" asked Asgore. "Hey Napstablook, no more bullets!"

"Oh. Sorry it's not working out for you. Um, I can take a look."

"Fine, whatever."

The blob handled it delicately. So delicately it wasn't apparent what he was using to touch it.

"I think you might not have loaded it correctly, if I-"

_BANG._

Elway's hat flew away in several pieces as he ducked to the floor, his face blacked with soot.

"Oh. Looks like there was one bullet left."

"One bullet left? Hey Mister Hunter, one bullet left!"

"...I noticed."

"Um, sorry for wasting it, I guess. I have to go, Happy's coming round for dinner."

"Nice to see you!" He faded away. He then took off one of his long floppy ears, and handed it to Elway so he could wipe his face clean, tugging the corresponding horn to dispense another ear into place. "And I suppose I should go as well, see you-"

"I'm not done yet you... you... stinker!"

Elway pulled out a long pole. By his reasoning, concussive damage would be less revealing than slashing. He started into his practised manoeveurs, making sure Asgore had no opening through which to strike.

"En guarde! Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Ha! Thrust! Spin!"

The pole was a translucent brown shield. Surely his foe would be bewildered as he finally struck him down, and proved once and for all Green Tea was better than Golden Flower Tea!

Asgore jabbed a clawed pinkie into the shield, stopping the spinning dead in his tracks. The accumulated momentum rebounded on Elway, who flipped over onto his back on the ground. Dazed, he tried to get up.

"Could you hold this a moment?"

"Huh? Oh, sure."

Something heavy was dropped clumsily onto his chest. It took a moment to realise it was an anvil.

As Asgore walked away, he admitted to himself all these interruptions were tedious. Perhaps it was time to be more proactive.

* * *

Sam's head had stopped spinning, and he was sure he wouldn't need too many stitches. His temper was only slightly worse than his piscine's assailant had been.

"Just for that, Imma shoot every rock in this damned forest, whether it talks or not!"

It wasn't even about the dumb king anymore. He'd decided that he really needed to assert his dominance over lumps of silicone right now. They were unlikely to fight back, for once, so his victory would be beautiful. As beautiful as... as...

Whatever gorgeous specimen just strayed across his path in a flowing purple dress.

"Oh thank goodness," came a falsetto cry of joy, "I've been lost here for hours! Could a strong man like yourself show me the way to the car park?" A finger curled around a loose lock of blond hair.

"It, uh, it would be my pleasure!"

"Oh thank you!" Sam dropped the tortured remains of his gun as his arms were full of a beautiful body, beefy fuzzy arms wrapped round his neck. It was lighter than he thought. He continued to stare into those brilliantly purple eyes, not really caring what direction was heading, as his ears overflowed with simpering compliments.

"Sam?" Sly had come across the lovebirds.

"Oh, how'd ya do, Sly? Have you ever met Asgorina here? Ain't this the most beautiful thing you ever laid eyes on?"

Sly was sceptical. "Um, you know that's a man, right?"

"Did I say he weren't?! Doesn't make him ugly! This dress matches his eyes perfectly! And he takes such good care of his beard. Only a dumb varmint would pass this specimen up!"

Sly shrugged. At least his would-be accomplice was happy.

"So nice to meet you, Sly," simpered Asgorina, "Sammy, can you put me down? Nature calls, you know."

"Oh, uh, sure!"

Asgorina got to his full height and slinked round a tree, his little tail wiggling happily. Hang on...

"Wait a cotton-pickin' minute! That's the king!"

Enraged, and more than a little heartbroken, Sam pursued him round a tree, Sly in hot pursuit. Sam subsequently fell down a hole that definitely hadn't been there a moment ago.

"Oooh, I hate that goat!"

"I'll get him!"

There was only one path beyond the hole, so Sly followed, straining his ears to hear the telltale thumb of large paws, and thankfully he could. Breaking into a full sprint, his heart hammered as he caught a glimpse of those horns knocking low-hanging branches aside, just a little further, going off the path won't save you your majesty, nor will leaping behind a bush, I have you now!

The ground seemed curiously smooth as he fought through the bush. In fact it was so smooth, it might have not been there. Uh...

Looking around, Asgore was waving at him, back in his normal clothes, then pointing downwards. Following his finger, Sly noticed the rather large distance between his feet and the ground.

"Oh f-"

A shrill whistle drowned his words as he plummeted.

* * *

"Oh, hee hee hee, what a bunch of maroons."

Asgore was nearly out of the forest now. And a good thing too, he had to get these flowers planted! It had been a lot of trouble to shake off his pursuers, but at last he felt like he'd done it. Now, was it a left turn at this albatross and tree? No, right sounded more correct. Oh, a cliff face. Well, no problem, he'd just-

_WHAM._

Asgore's vision was filled with birds that looked like they could carry him over a small gap. Voices rang in his ears.

"I got that varmint! I got him with my rock!"

By the time the birds had cleared off, his new friends were bearing down on him. Even though they were down to two guns, that would be all they needed.

"Um," he offered, fishing in his shirt pocket, "you wouldn't shoot a monster with glasses, would you?"

A bang from Willy's gun was his answer, and the spectacles shattered into pieces.

"You're gonna look mighty fine on my wall you dumb goat!"

"Sam, for the last time!"

"Look, just get him now."

"Now, now, there's no need to fight. Why not settle this-"

For the third time, a gun in his face was his answer.

"Say your prayers you son of a-"

"WELL BLOW ME DOWN!"

The four of them spun around. A skeleton in a sailor suit and basketballs attached to his upper arms was facing them. His pipe twirled excitedly.

"The hell do you want, bony?"

"I NOTICED YOU SURROUNDING THE KING, AND I THINKS YOU INTENDS TO COMMIT A SALT AND RABBIT-TREE ON HIM! THAT'S AN UNFAIR SIMULATION IF I EVER HEARDS IT!"

"Get lost unless you want some lead in your skull!"

"KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH? HOW RUDE!"

"Look, he's a monster, right? Just kill him too!"

Another shot rang out, accompanied by a soft hiss that everyone could hear.

"OLLIE-BOIL! YOU ROTTEN BANDITS! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN ENDURES, AND MY ENDURANCE IS AT ITS LIMITS!"

He took out a large can of MTT™ Brand Spaghetti, squeezed it empty and ate every last drop. Everyone felt the gentle surge of power radiating from him, as his grin grew even wider. Flexing a skinny arm, his surviving basketball doubled in size. On it, a wimpy looking yellow flower blossomed into a mighty boss monster. Sam wasn't intimidated, he had already picked up his rock and was charging him down. A red glove connected with the rock, and it smashed into pieces, falling nearby in the arrangement of the word "OUCH". As Sam took the time to read it, the other red glove connected, and he flew off into the sky. His shoes remained where they were, before realising their master had gone, and flew off after him.

Elway and Sly had availed of the momentary distraction and dog piled him, trying to hold him down while Willy took aim with his gun. As he pulled the trigger, a small bone shot out of the melee, plugging up the barrel, which promptly exploded. Despite being scorched, Willy joined in the fray, trying to keep control of the situation. But it was all to no avail, as the three were thrown back, their would-be-victim on his bony legs. Asgore was not standing still during all this. With a flash, a bright red mallet appeared in his hands, and with a mighty swing Sly was knocked into a Sly-shaped hole in the cliff face. Elway had somehow retrieved his gun, but Asgore'd had all he could stands as well. He gave an almighty roar nobody had heard in a century, and the gun melted out of sheer terror. Disarmed, and knowing his pole to be ineffective, Elway began to step back. He didn't get far, as he bumped into Willy who'd been retreating in the other direction.

"Suffered-"

The coup de grace came. Two fists, one large and furry, the other bright red, slammed into them, and they flew off after Sam. In the nearby sheriff's office, three men fell through the roof into a cell, already in striped pyjamas. The jailer merely shrugged. He wasn't paid enough to ask questions

"Thank you very much for helping me there! You're my hero!"

"NYEG-EG-EG-EG-EG! I'M NEVER UPSETTI, SINCE I EATS SPAGHETTI, I'M PAPY THE SKELETON!" Two shrill whistles came from his pipe. "AH, THERE YOU ARE, LAZYBONES! WE'S ALREADY LATE FOR OUR APPOINTMENT AT GRILLBY'S!"

"hey bro, can you cover the burgers? i'm good for it tuesday."

"OF COURSE!"

Their chatter died away. Looking around, Asgore found his basket. At last he'd be free to go home.

"Oh, Gorey!"

Or maybe not.

"There's my Fluffybuns! Have you been in this forest all day?"

Asgore adjusted his collar to let some of the steam escape. Toriel was wearing her usual black dress that clung tightly to her, starting beneath her shoulders and stopping at the top of her thighs. Her black hair also clung tightly to her head, the circle of cowlicks looking like a crown as she flickered her long eyelashes at him. The gold bangles on her arms glinted in the sun as she hugged him.

"I met some new friends, they distracted me." A mischievous grin spread on his muzzle. "Are you here to distract me too?"

"Oh don't get too fresh, Gorey, or you can scram! I'm a nice girl and you know it."

"Oh I do..." He chuckled softly, which she returned in kind.

"So, what's say we check the kids are okay and then we get down to a little... _boop-boop-e-doop?_ " She booped his nose as she said it.

"Ah, Floppybuns, aren't I quite the stinker? Ha ha..."

They started nuzzling in earnest. The moment was ruined, however, by Alphys running up to them.

"Th-th-that's all, ev-ev-everyone!"

"That's all? Doctor, what do you-"

With a loud grunt, Asgore woke up on the sofa.

He tried to clear his mind. Of course. He'd been watching television with Frisk, and he must have dozed off. It was the small hours of the morning, and Frisk was nowhere to be seen, though the TV was still blaring. They must have seen themselves to bed, that was a relief. He eyed the bowl of popcorn he'd made last night, tipped over as he had fallen asleep. That wouldn't be fun to clean up. Oh well, that could wait for the morning. This sofa was surprisingly comfortable. Such were the benefits of getting it custom made for someone... his... size...

A harsh buzzing snapped him to attention. The phone. Immediately he leapt up and dashed into the study. Reaching past the cheap plastic phone he grabbed the ornate red one. Frisk ran into the room as well.

"Commissioner," he said stoically.

"Oh, Goatman!" cried Toriel. "It's the Jerrker, he's hijacked the wifi tower, and he's threatening to steal everyone's internet history unless we pay him a million gold pieces! We need your help!"

"On my way."

He hung up. The world took on an intense angle as Asgore's brilliant deductive mind sprang into action.

"Hmm, the Jerrker doesn't normally mess with the wifi, it's where he gets his best jokes. And he would release everyone's history anyway, that would be much funnier to him. I think this is a ruse... wait, million. There are seven digits in one million. But wifi has three common signal ranges. Seven times three is twenty one. Which happens to be the number of pieces in the Dreemurr Family Jewels! But such a mundane heist isn't the Jerrker's style, who's he covering for...? Wait, he mentioned stealing the history, not releasing it. And what other thief would be after such a fabulous prize than the lovely Cattywoman?"

"Holy Felines, Goatman, I think you're right!" said Frisk.

"I know I'm right, Child Wonder," he said gravely, "but I hope I'm wrong." Marching over to the book case, he pulled on _72 Facts About Snails_ , and immediately the hidden passageway opened up. "To the Goatcave!"

**Author's Note:**

> Pastebin Version: https://pastebin.com/LstTZpVa
> 
> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


End file.
